Mental Health and Missing My Babies

This isn’t easy for me to talk about, but I know I will feel better once I share my story.  A few weeks ago I stepped down as choreographer for the performing arts programs at the Lab School.  This includes my work with the show choir and theatre department in any capacity.  I had a very hard couple of weeks that resulted in multiple panic attacks, physical illness and fear of leaving my home and missing work for almost an entire week.  My stress and anxiety had gotten so bad to the point that I was making myself sick every time I needed to walk out of my house.  After seeing my doctor and switching medicines and taking some time off I am starting to feel better physically.  Mentally that is another story.  I luckily have such a wonderful group of coworkers and supervisors who genuinely care about me and my well being and are extremely understanding.  It is very difficult for people to understand mental health issues.  If I were physically ailing there would be signs of it and no one would be able to questions that.  Unfortunately mental health is not something you can see and it makes my anxiety worse to think that anyone would think I’m faking it or making it all up.  It was through the support of my supervisors and coworkers that I stepped down for my own well being.  I need to spend some serious time figuring out how to make me better.  That will be much easier if I am not keeping myself so busy every single day that I can not face my problems.

All of that being said I miss my sweet babies so much.  I know they are in wonderful hands with their new choreographer but it causes me a considerable amount of pain to think that I have let them down in any way.  I have some very special kids that are seniors this year that I have been with from the beginning and I will not be there to share that special time with them all year.

10149829_10103249129141185_8114912808917488825_n                      Premiere Company end of the year show

I haven’t hidden it but it isn’t something I share completely openly that Terry and I have struggled with infertility for a long time.  After 3 years of trying numerous options we were given the very sad news that pregnancy would not happen for us.  And although I am extremely open to adoption there is a grieving process that happens when you get that sort of news.  In the midst of that though I had my babies.  Performing arts not only gave me a creative outlet for my love of music, dance and theatre but it also gave me a purpose.  I spent my days and nights coming up with great ideas for the kids.  These kids who found their home in the performing arts.  I didn’t need to be sad about not having my own children because I had my own set of kids already.  I love them with all of my heart.

10155502_10103199733859725_1228847451_n           10155395_10103199735631175_1150106660_n

It will be very hard for me to not share this year with them.  But I know in my heart that I have left a mark on their lives.  Even if it was a very small part there is no way you can give so much of yourself and it not stick with them.  I just need to remember that I am still in the same place I’ve always been, stuck in the back cubicle of the main office, and their hugs and smiles will be there no matter where I am.

 

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