Who I’ve Become When Life Happened

When I was fresh out of high school and starting college I had my whole life planned out in my head already.  I was going to be a pre-med student at LSU.  I would be an anesthesiologist and attend Vanderbilt Medical School.  I was going to get married early and have 4 children and a wonderful life where I would throw parties and write thank you notes and send thoughtful gifts.  I would still be best friends with the same people and we would always understand what was going on in each others lives because of course we would reach our life’s goals all at the same time………….then life happened.

I did attend LSU, but after 2 semesters I was struggling big time and could not hang with the pre-med crowd.  After another semester and working a full time job it became too much.  I did exactly what I swore I would never do, drop out of college and work a minimum wage job.  I still think I will never forgive myself for doing that.  Had I not been so terrified of student loan debt I might be in a better place right now.  Don’t get me wrong I like my job, but I work really hard and don’t always make enough to put groceries in the house if the light bill is too high.  I did get married young to a wonderful wonderful man who I love completely.  I did not however predict that he would be laid off every single year we were married due to budget cuts at different companies.  I didn’t expect to live in a big house that feels so empty because he has to work night shifts and weekends to pay the mortgage.  I didn’t expect to be faced AGAIN with a lose of job for Terry but here we are with a 7 week expiration date on his current job frantically searching for another one.

I hate myself a lot of the time for wanting more.  For wanting a fancier house that I could be proud of or a child to have stories and experiences that I could relate to my friends.  I wish I were more thoughtful and less selfish all the time.  I want to write special notes when people are felling down or send kind gestures.  I want to have people over for dinner and laughs.

When did I become this person?  Is this who I’ve become when life happened?  Did life get too hard that I just gave up?  I don’t want that for myself.  I want better.  I need to be better.  And that is something I will work on.  Until then at least I can look at the bright side, my pneumonia is finally getting better and I’ve got lots of work on my desk to ensure job security.

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