Life is tough. Sometimes its harder for some than it is for others. Sometimes you have to grow up faster, leave college early or get married young. No one thing makes our lives different so blame can’t be placed on anyone who had to “grow up”. However, I blame myself on an almost daily basis that I’ve messed some things up in the process of me having to grow up. My wonderful, amazing, priceless friends. I tell my husband all the time how terrible of a friend I am. I’ve never done anything intentionally or with malice to any of them, but I feel like my early actions started a snowball effect that I will never recover from.
When I was in high school and when I started college I was fun person. Its even hard for me to believe this is the truth but it really was at one point in my life. I was not afraid to go to parties, go out to watch a band, have people over at all hours of the night, try new things. I was a chicken most of the time which was normal but I was pretty much down for whatever.
See I told you I was fun. At least for a little while. I’m not sure if it was the anxiety, getting married or just feeling inferior because I gave up on life while everyone else was getting their dreams but things changed. When my anxiety was really bad in the beginning I would cancel plans. So people stopped calling. When I was working more than one job to pay the mortgage and couldn’t do things. People stopped asking. I place no blame in these situations except with myself.
Now we are older and everyone is getting married and having babies I feel like I let myself get left behind. The wonderful thing about my friends is that I could call them right now and they would do anything for me. If I need them they are there 100%. But I don’t want to have relationships where the only thing I share with them are tough times or when I’m in crisis. I want all the good stuff too. The fun stuff. I know with all these babies I have a little trouble relating these days but I still want to be there and share the special moments. Just like if I’m lucky enough to be a mama some day I want them there with me too.
So what do I miss the most….Adrienne, Amanda, Adele, Kelli, Jessel, Michelle, Coley, Courtney, Mark, Tyler, Matt, Justin, Josh and so many more. If any of you read this one. I love you! and I promise I will do better.