Day 23: Baby Bump Envy

So the challenge for today is something that makes me sad.  There are days when I think I am over the fact that I can not have a child.  And then some, like today, when I struggle with the realization.  I think the worst thing that could have ever happened to an infertile person is social media.  Not only are you hearing about every single pregnant friend, cousin, and neighbor you are also subjected to cute smushy faced children with big bows and tonka trucks.  I don’t say all this as a means to make any mother feel bad.  If I had a child you better believe I’d be doing the same thing.  I say this just to enlighten some people on what it feels like to be on the other side.

We didn’t find out we couldn’t have children in one sitting.  It wasn’t some big sit down with a doctor where we had a bomb thrown at us and that was it.  Our news was more gradual which in a way made it easier to take but also made it easier to convince ourselves there was still hope.  After almost 3 years of back and forth to doctors and test and trying and what not we finally decided enough was enough.  We did not have the financial means to do anything serious with fertility and the chances of conception we were told from both our doctors was down lower and lower every time we had an appointment.

So we decided together that since conception was not in the cards for us we want to adopt.  We are very open to the idea of adoption.  My first cousin is adopted.  My mom worked for an adoption agency for years.  My cousin, her mom and her children are all adopted.  Needless to say we are totally cool with.  But that does not mean there is not a period of mourning that comes with the news that you will never have your own child.  I will never walk into a sonogram room and hear my babies heart beat for the first time.  I will never feel a baby kick in my tummy.  My husband will never cut an umbilical cord.  I won’t have maternity pictures and I won’t have a gender reveal party.

To some this may seem trivial but to me it hurts.  And no it doesn’t help when you ask why we’ve been married 6 years and have no children.  And no it doesn’t help when you tell me to just relax it will happen when you stop trying.  And no it doesn’t help when you say how great a mom I would be.  It also doesn’t help when you avoid telling me about your happy moments.  I say this to my husband over and over again.  I have never EVER felt sadness for a friend who gets to experience the joy of motherhood.  I have only ever been sad for myself.  This is a completely selfish notion but its the truth.  The truth is that I have baby bump envy.  And man the struggle is real.  Right now we have enough pregnant friends to meet new babies for almost 6 months in a row.  Even though that’s tough to swallow I still can not wait to meet all those sweet babies.

Today may have been one of my tougher days but they aren’t all like that.  I know in my heart one day I will be able to meet a little human I can bring home and call mine.  I’ll leave you with this, some touching photos of a couple meeting their adopted child for the first time.  Hopefully one day my social media will be covered in photos like this of my own.

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